They say that life is journey. Somewhere along this journey of life, don’t ask me when or where, I learned all the words to the Billy Ray Cyrus song Busy Man. It is about a busy man who learns that life is too short to always be working. It is Billy Ray Cyrus saying, “In your face, Harry Chapin Carpenter!”
As of late, I’ve been a little bit like the busy man in the song and the Baloney Bin is my neglected child. Or maybe, I’m like the creepy S&M father in the People Under the Stairs, and the Baloney Bin is the people under the stairs.
I adore that movie but the ending really stresses me out. Spoilers afoot! What the heck are the people under the stairs going to do out in the real world? I hope they were lurching off to Walgreens to get sunscreen. But even if they had the sense to protect their translucent skin from UV rays, then what? Where are they going to work? Will they still be cannibals? And for the love of god, pick up some of that money that is floating around! You are really, really, really going to need it. I mean, I guess by now they’d have everything figured out. Maybe they successfully assimilated and there are people under the stairs walking among us as I write this. Hmm, of all the people I know, who might have been a People Under the Stairs (PUTS)?
Well, I suppose the obvious answer would be Brent. Brent hates the sunlight. It burns his eyes.
But I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that our neighbor Teufel is the former PUTS. He hides it well enough, but every now and then I catch him calling Ebby “Prince”. If you haven’t seen the movie, first of all why not, and second, Prince was a killer hell hound who terrorized everyone. Teufel might see something Prince-like in Ebby’s sassy, wrinkled demeanor…something that takes Teufel back to (and under) the stairs. This would explain his and Ebby’s tumultuous relationship.
If anyone out there has further information about Teufel being a People Under the Stairs, I urge you to contact Robert Stack from Unsolved Mysteries.
Good news, though. There is one mystery around these parts that has been solved. You may recall Mertle, the stray Boston Terrier without a past who emerged from the mists to bite us and jump all over us, has been staying with us while we tried to locate her family. We were desperate to find them, but the last place we thought to look was in the mirror. That’s right, we are officially keeping Baby Mert Mert!
Her former family never came forward. And here I thought somebody would really be missing her. My mom thought Mertle may have blown in from one of the Kansas or Oklahoma tornadoes. I did some checking but nobody in those areas was missing a Mertle, that I could tell. Brent thinks that the idea of Mertle riding a tornado to Baldwin City is preposterous but I could see it happening.
As we were waiting for Mertle’s family to reveal themselves, we grew quite fond of the bat-eared demon, even with her appalling puppy manners. She loves jumping over the pugs for some reason and it really ticks them off to have Mertle leaping over their heads. However, they aren’t attacking her in growling fits of pug rage nearly as often as they had been at the beginning. Ebby has even taken to playing with her. I think those two are going to be friends. Swoozie has mellowed out a bit, too. Swoozie feels her life’s work is to suspiciously watch Ebby and bark at him if he gets out of line. She feels the same about Mertle, but I think she’s getting used to the extra work of having to keep yet another dog in line.
As for training, “Brisket” is the safe word we use when she starts biting. I read on a website that we’re supposed to rub her chest and repeat “Brisket. Brisket. Brisket.” in soothing tones to get her to calm down. They didn’t say why you use ‘brisket’ specifically so maybe I am missing an important component. It’s possible I just got so excited about saying brisket in a peaceful voice that I stopped reading instantly to try it out. It works, though. Everyone should try this trick. The next time you need to calm own an over-excited person, rub their chest area and whisper brisket. But don’t say baby back ribs or pulled pork. I don’t think that will work.
Photographing Mertle is a challenge. If she’s not running around and jumping over pugs, she’d trying to eat the camera. But you’d never know that from the picture below. She reminds me a little bit of the Virgin Mary.
Mertle has a lot to learn from Swoozie and Ebby in terms of modeling for pictures. Look at those two, they are pros.