Did you know that I was a top contender in the Spring 2013 Meat Container Blog-Off?
Glory be, I won!
The last contest prize I won was in 1998, when I won $5.00 off the price of a giant cookie. I was supposed to send a check for the discounted amount to the cookie company, and in return, they would mail me a giant cookie. I never sent the check. I didn’t need that cookie; just knowing I had won was all the sweetness I needed.
Fifteen years later, the taste of triumph is in my mouth once again, right next to the cavities and last night’s popcorn cud, for I am this quarter’s Blog-Off champion.
From the official press release:
The Meat Container Blog Association Society of America is pleased to announced that the Baloney Bin has won the prestigious Spring 2013 Blog-Off. A reception in the Baloney Bin’s honor will be held at the local dog food plant, date TBA. Please remember, processed meat does not cause cancer, only happiness.
The press release was sent to the AP, but nobody picked it up. My mom might take out an ad in the newspaper, though. She said she can get a good deal if we run it on a Monday.
To be eligible for this competition, you have to curate a blog that is named after a kind of meat receptacle. Based on those requirements, there were only two participants: yours truly, and Jon over at the Pastrami Basket. The rules were simple: if your website gets the most hits within a given time frame, you win.
According to the fine print, the loser is required to eat the lunch meat that the winner’s website is named after.
The winner gets to take pictures.
Below you’ll see the victory sandwich, which was made with Bar S bologna and a zesty jalapeno mustard dressing. It is wrapped in silver to represent Jon’s second place finish. Perhaps you are admiring the lettering on the sandwich. The “BB” written in glorious America colors refers to the Baloney Bin. I was able to write directly on the bread because I have markers with edible ink. They are called “Easy Writers”.
Bonus material #1: A behind-the-scenes look. Yes, Brent was the magician behind this photo shoot.
Bonus material #2: An exclusive interview with the man eating the bologna sandwich. Jon’s answers are in bold. In some cases, I needed to make additional comments after his answers.
1. How much do you love the Baloney Bin? Please choose from the following:
a) A million
b) More than cheese
c) It’s da bomb lol
C, but it’s kind of like a sarcastic C.
2. What is your end game with your blog, the Pastrami Basket?
My end game is to have the Pastrami Basket net me some free pastrami. From anywhere. So for example, I walk into a local deli and this happens.
Deli Owner: “Hey, you’re that fellow who runs the Pastrami Basket, aren’t you?”
Me: “You bet your ass I am.”
Deli Owner: “Yeah. My kids read dat garabage. Ya know, you should really stop puttin’ these stupid thoughts of time travel and floating cities in their head. Kids are impressionable and da likes of you are really ruinin’ their frame of mind.”
Me: “Look here pal, you want me to quit? Well then it’s gonna cost you.”
Deli Owner: “I’ll give you one free pound of pastrami and then you never come in here again.”
3. I just thought of a new name for your blog: the PISStrami Basket.
Great. Your blog should be called the BUTTlogna Bin. Or the Boner Bin. Ha, get it? Boner.
Did your grandma help you come up with that?
4. You often write about ups and downs of owning a private investigator firm with your cat, Ernest Borgnine. Why did you decide to start a business with an animal, and would you recommend this sort of unconventional partnership to other aspiring entrepreneurs?
Well, the reason it was started is explained in the “Kitty Dick” post. It was all Ernest’s idea. It’s been a rough go and as a result the grocery store now has a thick air of tension. For all aspiring dick entrepreneurs, I’d say you do a ride along. Currently I’m offering an internship at EB & Thumbs. Once a serious applicant is approved they will live with Ernest and me for a week and go through the usual motions with us in regards to solving a case. This means lots of time wandering aimlessly, multiple trips to the grocers to harass employees, forgetting important parts of the case and having to back track, and getting banned from several places.
5. Do you happen to have a business card?
No. I have business card magnets that you made. Remember? They are either that stupid picture with my face in the moon with a wolf howling at me or a picture of me trying to fondle a nude Burt Reynolds.
No, you are in the background waving with fake photoshopped arms, while the iconic picture of Mr. Reynolds lounging is in the foreground. Everyone should have business cards. Picture this:
You’re chillin in the club when a fine honey walks by. You slip the DJ a Sacajawea to play UB40’s Red Red Wine and you ask her to boogey. She says “Awww yeah!” and you hit the floor. But before the song can even make it to the rap part (red red wine you make me feel so fine), she checks her Rolex and says she has to bounce.
“But baby,” you say, “The DJ’s going to spin my favorite slow jam, I Adore Mi Amor by Color Me Badd next.”
She shakes her head regretfully. “I would love to stay and groove, but I really must go. It’s urgent. The world premiere of the long-awaited Gilmore Girls movie is going to start in five minutes. The screenplay was written by Sarah from the Baloney Bin. I can’t miss this. Good bye!”
You reach for her in despair. “Wait, my Cinderella,” you plead. “How will I find you?”
“Give me your business card and I will call you after the Gilmore Girls movie is over.”
But you have no card to give and she slips out of your grasp forever. You fall to the ground, weeping.
“Curses! Damn my foolish pride! I haven’t a business card to give. I scoffed at the notion and look at me now! Oh, what is this in my pocket? A vile of poison? I must drink it immediately, I cannot endure this heartbreak much longer.” And then you die.
6. Out of the following, which is your favorite catchphrase, and why?
a) Whomp, there it is!
c) Somebody stop me!
d) Show me the money!
e) Yeah, baby!
f) Who’s your daddy now?
A. Hands down. It’s not catching on with friends quite as much as my previous catchphrase, “All aboard the sassy train!”
7. Please explain the autographed picture of Avril Lavigne hanging in your work cubicle.
That would be the work of a couple jackals who decided to sabotage my cubicle while I was gone one day. They thought it would embarrass me but here we are 6 months later and it’s still hanging. Nice try Batilda and Thad. Would you care to elaborate on the picture of Gene Shalit that hangs in your work cubicle? And why do you specify “work cubicle”? It makes me think that you believe people out there have “home cubicles” in which they can only accomplish important tasks if they construct 3 walls around themselves.
I’m asking the questions here. Work cubicle is not an oxymoron.
8. Besides Avril, name some of your heros.
Mr. Magoo. Gene Shalit. Jewel. Gerry Jewel. Hulk Hogan. And of course, Garfield.
You might be interested to know that a young Brent wrote the best short story ever about Garfield helping a little rabbit named Funny Bunny, whose ears wouldn’t stop growing. I heartily recommend it.
9. Your Bio page indicates that you were born in 1834 and that you’ve done a fair amount of prospecting. Tell us about the search for gold. Did you learn anything about yourself along the way?
I learned a lot. I learned how to turn a tumbleweed into a great meal. I got in tune with my body. The best story I have so far is about this one time I was hired by a French Man, or maybe he was German? I don’t know for sure but his name was Hans Luber. Anyways, he hired me to be part of this crazy group and the whole experience was nuts. They are making a film adaptation that is called, “Douche Hard.” Not sure when it’s due out but hopefully this summer.
All I have to say to that is yippie ki yi nozzle.
10. Who is your favorite Golden Girl, and why?
Estelle Getty. Why not? She’s the grandmother/lover we all wish we had. Have you seen “Stop or My Mom Will Shoot”? She is one tough cookie. Estelle, I call her Estelle because we are tight, once taught me how to make an omelet non the hood of a car. The woman is a fountain of knowledge and sass.
That’s enough nonsense. You never made omelets with Estelle Getty. It was deviled eggs, always deviled eggs. This interview is over.
Jon and I are preparing for the next blog-off, which will last through the month of June. Same stakes. Please don’t let me lose.
But on the subject of winning, have you ever won anything awesome?